Today definitely is not a good day. On my way to work, I tripped and fell twice because I was not playing attention to where I was going. My mind was just non-stop thinking of stuff. My wrist and knee is all scraped. Well, I guess there’s one bright side to it all…I didn’t ruin my $200 jeans =X Else I would really just break down and cry.

I feel so stressed, I don’t know what to do…I don’t know that is there that I could do. I just wish people would understand and just back off for a bit. Waking up to see 40+ missed calls from the same person is not a very nice sight. In fact, it scares the crap out of me. I do not want to be in this kind of relationship/friendship where I feel that my friend is being obsessive. I understand that sometimes there are important things to be discussed and it must be done, but geeez 40+ calls?! I’m really freaking out.

On the sadder side…I hope Linda will recover soon…or at least know what her options are and be brave to accept whatever curve balls she receives.

It usually freaks me out when I hear about how people could manage to cut themselves, attempt suicide, or do anything to harm themselves because they can’t take the pressure or are too frustrated. I guess it’s just because I am too vain or chickenshit to do such stuff. I would never want to cut my snow-white-pale arms or could never slit my wrist because I think I would faint if I see blood gusting out of my body. Usually when I’m upset, I could just cry myself to sleep and by the time I wake up, I could just think in a more calmly matter or just ignore things. Ignoring things that I don’t like and avoiding confrontation at all cost is something I do best. =X

Could you imagine what would you do if your significant other threatens to do stupid stuff just to keep you in the relationship? =\

i wish people could just call and ask how am i doing because they care. and not just call to discuss stuff with me when i'm having so much troubles of my own. I'm not trying to say that my problems are more important or stressful than theirs, but rather, because i'm having so much troubles and stress on my own that i am not in the state to discuss or talk about stuff. Maybe this is my problem. I tend to block out a lot of things/people that means a lot to me when i'm stressed out. I tend to just hide myself back in the bubble and just slowly let everything die.

After my episode of one tree hill last nite, I said something i feel the need to say to someone and just cried myself to sleep. I slept from 10pm to 8am...but i still feel very tired...i just wish i could sleep forever, that way, i won't have to think of anything or be stressful.

When ben used to play counter stike and neglect me, i used to always throw my tantrums at him, threaten to break-up, cry, and do almost everything i could think for his attention. I don't understand how he could hide in his room 24/7 and sit infront of the PC and just play a silly game...I'm upset, depress, angry that my boyfriend chooses to spend time on a game than with me. I tried everything possible, and finally decided to join him. All i want was just for him to acknowledge my existance, for us to spend time together, and for him to give me his attention. Playing CS make me sick, i get dizzy after 20 mins of playing...felt like i was about to throw up. But i endured it because i love him and he was really sweet teaching me everything, guiding me step by step how and what to do. Things worked out pretty good...i even went down to san diego with him for a LAN party! lol although it was really awkward...(me being in my high heels and skirts playing a game with little boys that don't shower?!) I enjoyed it.

Ever since that incident, i have learned never to try to change someone, but rather to change myself to adapt to his lifestyle if i truely love him. I don't like to force others to do things, but rather just force myself not to do things.

btw...ben introduced me to RO...and here i am...addicted =P if you all wanna blame someone for this addiction...blame ben. /gg

FUCKIN BITCH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND DUMPED YOU AND YOU'RE OLD AND UGLY! DON'T FREAKIN TAKE OUT YOUR ANGER AT ME.

PLEASE JUST DIE AND BURN IN HELL! THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHY YOUR BF'S MOM DISLIKE YOU, BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT!

So, i have finally decided that i will be making my gifts this xmas for all my friends....well...girls at least, for the guys....i'm still thinking...

kekekeke

gonna be a really busy 2 weeks for me....... =)

*gets the stuff started*

I wonder if i'd be missed if i disappearred one day.

it's hard to see things that reminds you of the past...might it be happy moments that you have lost, or things that trigger tears.

I'm still thinking if i could at least send him a card for his bday. Funny that i still remember his address without writing it down before. A card can't hurt that much right? just a simple card with my wishes. Even if he was to toss it in the garbage, i won't even know about it...what i don't know can't hurt me correct?!

i hate it when i can't find things!!!!!!! I spent over 2 hrs looking for this pair of earring i wanna wear...and my cell phone bag...can't find any of them! *#_$*@#)($*@#)($*)(@#*$()@#*$)(@#*$ pissing me off!!!!!!

i have been really sensitive and moody lately. I feel like everyone is against me. I know that it's not true and there are a lot of people that cares for me, but i really just can't help it. I know i'm currently being unreasonable and selfish.

I wonder if i will ever find someone that could actually get along with me. I am a very selfish person, i need a lot of "me-time" that others might not understand. I need to solve problems myself. I need to sort things out alone and quietly in my own little corner. I need to be able to balance my own life first before anything. I admit that i put myself above all others. I know i'm difficult and stubborn, bratty and passive at times.

and yes, i do admit i have problems facing the truth. it's hard for me to lost something i hold so dearly to my heart. i don't want to see the future if it's not something i want. I want to turn back time and redo all the mistakes i have done. I want things to be my way! I know i am spoiled...or maybe some would even say i am a coward, because i have no guts to face the truth. whats gone is gone, and it will forever be gone....i don't want that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't go to work today.. =X I wasn't able to get up this morning >.> ended up going to the doctor w/ mammie and then doing some shopping! yayyy i finally got rainboots! I got 2 pairs today...deciding on which one to keep and which one to return.

I wonder all the time why it's so hard for me to let go of things...is it because i regret stuff? or maybe because i feel that i haven't gave it my best that there are still unfinish business? or maybe because i want to be given another chance to prove my worth...

it's stc's birthday soon. I wish i could just tell him Happy birthday and i wish him the best of luck in everything, but i know i won't have the chance to. Soon he will be off to the Marines and i really won't have the chace. sigh....oh well..chances or not, he wants me out of his life, so i wanna wish him a happy birthday here.

it's so cold lately...but my heart feels colder.....and my present is colder than water.................. *wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

and because i like coats/jackets and cute t-shirts....

I love this long sweater, but i'm always scared that i will get it caught in something and ruin it =(



I love to wear fishnet tights w/ boots! too bad carmen said i look like one of those strippers that go over to houses and dance. =X



kekeke *blow me*